


Maybe I Could Have Loved You

by unspokenfaith



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Humor, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kie is a zodiac queen, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, boys (and Kiara) will be wholesome boys, just some Pogue shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26669833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unspokenfaith/pseuds/unspokenfaith
Summary: Emotions run high the night before Kiara heads to Kook Academy. When the boys throw her a going-away party, JJ realizes something. But all the drinking and the somber occasion makes him wonder if what he's feeling is even real.
Relationships: JJ & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ & Pope (Outer Banks), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara & John B. Routledge, Kiara & Pope (Outer Banks)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	Maybe I Could Have Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure this has been done plenty of times, but I was inspired by the "I know that door's locked because I've tried it" line and also the Jonas Brothers song "Make It Right." We love a slow burn and mutual misunderstanding.

If there was one thing JJ would not miss about Kiara once she went to Kook Academy, it was her need to perform damage control in unnecessary situations. The way she was acting, it felt more like an obligation than a party that he, Pope, and John B put together for her. 

JJ thought it was a stupid idea to begin with. How different was it from any other day with the four of them at the Chateau? But when he offered his wisdom to John B and Pope, he was met with two pairs of glowering eyes, and the latter shoving stapled construction paper chains into his hands. 

Anyway, it’s not as though he was going to say no to an occasion to drink, however extraneous it was. 

Kiara scowled as she picked up a broken glass that Pope knocked off the counter after a theatrical response to John B’s joke. JJ made a mental note for tomorrow to say he told them so.

“I can get that, Kie,” John B said. “Just leave it. I’ll pick it up later.” 

As he spoke, she was already standing over the trash can.

“Oh, God, did I do that?” Pope brought both his hands to his face, his mouth hanging open. JJ can’t remember the last time he saw Pope this drunk, if ever.

“Nope. It was the ghost,” Kiara said, washing her hands off in the sink.

John B’s eyes widened. “I have a ghost?”

“Hey, isn’t this, like, reverse feminism?” JJ interrupted.

Kiara looked at him like his head grew three sizes. 

“What?”

JJ snapped his fingers. “Menism! This is menism. Girl cleans up after all the boys. It’s some 1950s bullshit. Menism.”

“You mean sexism?” Kiara said.

He slammed his hand on the table. “Damn it, Kie! You couldn’t let me have it? Not all of us are smart enough for Kook Academy.”

She shook her head, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear while busying herself with drying her hands off.

“Asshole.” 

He couldn’t see her face, but he could’ve sworn he heard a smile in there somewhere.

“Kook,” JJ replied.

“Not yet she isn’t,” Pope said matter-of-factly with a finger pointed in the air. He blinked a few times as though he were struggling to stay awake.

Kiara reached across the counter to pull Pope’s shot glass away. “Maybe lay off a little. How many have you even had?”

Pope concentrated on his hands for a moment before holding up six fingers.

“Seven.”

“In his defense, I don’t think he’s ever done shots before,” JJ said.

“And that makes it better?” Kiara rolled her eyes, rinsing out the glass. She might as well put some gloves on and open the dishwasher at this point. At least Big John wouldn’t return to a pigsty when he came home. 

JJ took another shot of Tito’s before his own glass could be revoked. “Do you guys think I could make it at Kook Academy?”

“Dude, you literally just said you aren’t smart enough,” John B said.

“I never said that! I said, ‘Not all of us are smart enough for Kook Academy.’”

“Hey, guys, it’s a full moon!” Kiara leaned over the sink, peering up at the sky. 

John B continued, “So that ‘not all of us’ didn’t include you?”

“Are you using double negatives now?” JJ closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I can’t think. Pope, back me up here, bro.”

But when he turned around, he found Pope lying starfish-style on the couch with his head hanging over the armrest. Maybe it was for the best that Kiara cut him off when she did. 

“Poor baby,” JJ cooed before downing another shot.

The night air blew through the cracked window, teasing a September chill that caused Pope’s nose to twitch. JJ was sure he would be cold if he was sober, but all he felt now was a burning sensation in his throat and tingling skin that had nothing to do with the wind outside.

“Hey, where’s Kie?” he asked, suddenly very aware of her absence.

John B shrugged. “Bathroom?” He picked up a blanket off the floor and threw it over Pope who was now snoring for the first time in his life. And unfortunately for anyone in earshot, not quietly. 

“Tell him to shut up, will you?” 

JJ didn’t give John B time to respond because he pushed himself up from his stool and wandered out the side door, taking the bottle of Tito’s with him. Pope’s snoring faded to the background, so now all he could hear was the faint rustle of the trees and a chorus of crickets chirping from every corner of the yard. The water glistened in the dark, reflecting the stars like tiny shards of a broken mirror. In a few months’ time, it would all look different, and he was going to miss it.

“Hey, stranger.”

Kiara’s voice came from behind him. She was sitting on the roof of the Chateau with her arms hugging her knees. The full moon shone a pale light on her warm brown face, the late summer breeze gently blowing her hair. 

“Kie? What the hell?” His jumbled brain couldn’t make sense of how she managed to climb up there on her own, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try it out for himself. 

He stepped up to the porch and assessed the distance from the floor to the roof, looking for the easiest place to climb—with little luck. So he backed up, dropping the half-empty bottle on the grass, and took a deep breath.

“Okay, look out. Coming in hot,” JJ said, rubbing his hands together.

Before he could make a run for it, Kiara cleared her throat and pointed to the other side of the front door at a ladder leaning on the rooftop.

“As entertaining as that would’ve been, I’d rather not have you die on my account.”

“Oh, excuse me. I’ll go die on someone else’s then,” JJ said, holding his hands up. “I saw that ladder by the way. I was just trying to be chivalrous.”

“Uh huh.” Kiara grinned. 

When he picked up the Tito’s and walked over to the ladder, she added, “Can you maybe just leave that there?”

JJ waved her off. “Nah.” 

With one hand, he pulled himself up the first few rungs, then threw his other arm up in the air.

“Look at me now!” he shouted to the sky. But after nearly losing his footing, he grabbed the ladder with his other hand as best he could without dropping the bottle. 

“Okay, seriously, stop.” 

Kiara came to the edge of the roof, reaching out her hand to help JJ the rest of the way. Not that he really needed it. He was managing just fine on his own. Still, he mumbled a quiet “thanks” before falling back next to her, losing one of his shoes in the process. When he heard it hit the ground, he laughed to himself. Kiara studied him like he was a zoo exhibit.

“How many have you had?” she asked.

“Come on, Kie. That’s a personal question. A guy never kisses and tells.” He pressed a finger to his lips.

“Oh my god, JJ. I meant shots.” There was an impatient edge to her voice, but he thought he saw her blush. Must be the drinking goggles. “Like I would want to know _that_.”

“Well, well, well. Kiara Carrera, are you slut shaming me?”

She pushed his arm. “You know what I mean.”

“Mhm, sure.” JJ smirked.

“You are so...”

“Hot? I know. About time you said it.”

“I was going to say annoying. Thanks for proving my point,” Kiara said, grabbing the bottle as though one more sip was going to make him say something she wouldn’t forgive.

JJ laid his head back on his arms, strangely comfortable considering he was on a sloped roof. He’d take the crickets over Pope’s snoring if it meant sleeping soundly. 

“What were you doing out here anyway?” he asked.

“I wanted to see the moon better. The trees were blocking it. See?” Kiara pointed to the moon, a white orb hanging over the water like a guiding light. She was right—a clear, uninterrupted view. 

“What’s with you and moons anyway? Is this a Twilight thing? I thought you didn’t like those movies.”

Kiara rolled her eyes. “It’s not a _Twilight_ thing. It’s astrology. A full moon usually means intense feelings or, like, an emotional climax.”

JJ raised a brow. “Climax?”

“I knew you were going to say that,” she muttered, pushing her hair behind her ear.

“Sorry. Continue with your...anthropology.” 

It sounded like a load of bullshit to him, but watching her talk about the moon’s climax was the most emotion JJ had seen from her all day. If he had known, he would have hung a bunch of construction paper moons on the walls instead. 

“It’s just that it had me thinking. The night before going to Kook Academy and everything.”

JJ’s brain was already muddled from the vodka. Trying to understand where she was going with this spun his thoughts in circles. 

“And?”

“I don’t know. It’s just...I guess I’ve just kind of accepted that it was happening all summer without really thinking about it. Like, I don’t know how to feel about it now that it’s really happening, you know?”

He nodded, mostly because that seemed like the appropriate response. She wasn’t making sense, but what he did comprehend was something he had never, nor probably would ever experience. JJ had been in the same school system since he could talk, and he certainly wasn’t going to college someday. His entire life has been more or less the same. It was difficult for him to imagine how Kiara could be thinking, someone with years of opportunities waiting for her. Typically, the only choice JJ had to make was what he was going to eat for dinner that night.

“Hey, I wouldn’t even worry about it. I’m sure you’ll fit right in with all those idiots.” He knew immediately after he said it that it was an insensitive thing to say, even if it was honest.

Kiara glared at him. “I know you hate them, or resent them or whatever. I do, too. But my parents worked really hard for this, so I’m just going to suck it up and make the most of it, okay?”

“You make it sound like you’re going to prison,” JJ mumbled. 

Part of him--whichever part that wasn’t completely wasted--told him he was being a jerk, but he didn’t know how to stop now. Maybe it was the liquor, or maybe it had only just dawned on him, too that this was her last night.

Much like going to school, or hiding from his father after a long night of drinking, or waking up to the sun rising over the marsh, he couldn’t remember a time where he didn’t have Kiara in his life. 

It’s not as though it would be forever; JJ knew that. But he had become so accustomed to the four of them hanging out every day that he hadn’t imagined how things would change once she went to a fancy prep school. Would they see her on the weekends? Would they even have the same days off? Would she forget about them after weeks turned into months?

“Could you cut the crap? I know I’m really privileged. I’m a Kook. I have nothing to complain about. I get it. But could you please for one second just-”

“I don’t want you to go.”

The words came out before they even became a rational thought. 

Kiara opened her mouth to respond, but nothing transpired. This had to be the most vulnerable JJ ever felt with her. No jokes, no banter, no crude comments that got under her skin. And now that he said it, he might as well unlock that door. 

“I mean, I want you to go. I’m sure you’ll have the time of your life. And you deserve that. You really do. But we’re all going to miss you like hell.” JJ was standing on the rooftop now, and probably going to fall any second, but he didn’t care. “ _I’m_ going to miss you, Kie. You’re, like, my best friend in the whole world and you’re leaving tomorrow. And I...I think...maybe…”

“Okay, JJ, stop.” She laughed nervously, guiding him back down to his original spot. “I get it. You don’t think I’m going to miss you guys, too? Besides, I’ll be-”

“No! Just let me get this out. I really think I-”

“JJ, you really need to snap out of it,” she said firmly, grabbing his shoulders. “Before you say something stupid.”

“How do you even know what I’m going to say?”

“Because I know you. I’ve watched you do it so many times, especially when you’re…” She gestured vaguely. “Like _this_.”

JJ shook his head, searching for the right words. This wasn’t at all where he was expecting the conversation to go. The worst part was he had nothing to prove her wrong. Even if he didn’t always remember it the next day, he couldn’t deny that he’s had similar interactions with who knows how many girls. 

“And that’s not a bad thing! But I just don’t want you to say something that you’ll regret tomorrow,” Kiara said. “Because you’ll be seeing me again after you wake up in the morning, and we just...really don’t need to go there.”

All he could do was nod, even though what he really wanted to say was “again” might not be for weeks. JJ looked anywhere but at her. If he could go back to mere minutes ago when the only wracking his mind was Pope’s obnoxious snoring, he would. Now he wasn’t quite sure where to go from here. 

Kiara pulled him into a hug, his face pressed into her shoulder. They stayed like that for a few minutes, unspoken thoughts drifting away with the wind until they disappeared into the midnight sky. Maybe she was right. Maybe JJ did get caught up in the moment, and in his drunken state confused all of the emotions running through his head. Maybe the warm feeling in his stomach was just the alcohol and not Kiara’s hand on the back of his neck.

When she finally pulled away, a chill went down his spine.

“Well, I should probably get going. Big day and all tomorrow. But _you_ …” Kiara poked his chest. “Need to go to bed. Or drink some water or something.”

JJ laughed, but it came out more like a cough. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll go do that.”

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” 

Only now did JJ meet her gaze. Her eyes were glistening with moonlight, and something else, too. 

“You’ll come crawling back.” JJ managed a smile. “You’re going to miss all our craziness.”

She laughed. “You’re not wrong. Plus, I don’t think you guys can survive a week without me.”

“You’re not wrong.”

The smirk on her face was contagious, and the breeze pushed her hair so that it clung to her mouth. Without really thinking, JJ reached across to tuck it back behind her ear. His hand lingered longer than necessary, and he didn’t realize he was staring until Kiara cleared her throat and stood up.

“Um...I’m going back down to say goodbye,” she said, handing him the bottle of Tito’s. “And _don’t_ have any more of that.”

JJ saluted her. “Yes, ma’am.”

He watched her climb down the ladder, and couldn’t help but feel like she was avoiding his gaze on purpose. When she reached the bottom, he caught her sad smile before she disappeared through the front door.

After staring at the moon for a while, and thinking about emotional climaxes, and the inexplicable look on Kiara’s face when he touched her face, he fell asleep. She was right about one thing. When JJ woke up the next morning, he would regret a lot of what happened last night. But she was wrong, too. He couldn’t regret something he never got to tell her. Because when the sun rose and the rooster crowed, he didn’t feel any differently.


End file.
